Types of Sex
I’ve received so many emails with this subject and these images that I had to translate them (they were originally in Spanish) and create a post. Bic pens have always been the best! I guess no explanation is needed…
In how many of the cases above have you been part of?
An Overview Of Sexual Addiction
The media portray sex addiction as cool. The media are confessing their own ignorance.
Sexual addictions are caused by misuse of a person’s natural sex drive. The addiction will usually be started in puberty but it can also be developed later in life. Once started it leads to a compulsion the sexually addicted person tries to avoid, but can’t. In the later stages it can affect every part of the person’s life. Self-respect, intimate relationships, associations with family and friends, finances and career can take second place to his sexual addiction. If the sexually addicted person is honest with himself, he’ll realize that his sex life is underscored by confusion, conflict, and regret. The joy of wonderful loving sex now competes with his sexual addiction.
The movies and the media portray sex addicts as having fun. A sex addict compulsively tries to use sex to conceal his personal problems just as an alcoholic uses booze or a drug addict loses control over his life to drugs. Sexually addictive behavior, like any other addiction, delivers short-term thrills followed by long-term miseries.
Getting a sex addiction stopped is the most important decision the sexually addicted person can make in his or her life. The Advisories explain causes of sex addiction and the requirements to deal with the it. How to overcome sexual addiction is explained in The Most Personal Addiction.
The First Obstacle To Overcoming Sexual Addiction
The fear of failure is normal, especially if you’ve failed before at stopping.
Just about anyone who acts sexually addictive has made some attempt to stop. It might have been only for a day, but they tried – and they failed. If you’ve tried to overcome sex addiction before and weren’t able to, the biggest barrier to your success is believing you cannot succeed.
Let’s imagine you wanted to teach a kid how to ride a bike. You’ve taught lots of kids and you’re sure this kid can make it. He doesn’t believe he can. He tried to learn before but was not taught correctly. Now he’s sick and tired of failing. You know that the only thing holding him back is his belief that he can’t do it.
The answer to the fear of failure is to find a successful approach and persist.
Let’s change the problem from learning to ride a bike to learning how to overcome sexual addiction. Remember that the kid felt hopeless because of his past mistakes. This same problem can become your biggest obstacle to success, if you let it. You are not doomed to failure. A good counselor can help you identify your past mistakes and help you correct them before they get in your way.
But what if you don’t believe that you can correct your mistakes? Ask yourself this question: “What if my situation isn’t hopeless? What if I really can overcome my addiction?”
Here’s what it takes to overcome sexual addiction:
- Free will
- Hard work.
Good counseling will provide you the knowledge. Good counseling will also help motivate you to make the free will choice to stop. Providing the effort is up to you. Just like the kid who can learn to ride the bike if he makes the effort, you can overcome sexual addiction, once your efforts are properly guided. The Advisories provide insights about developing effective motivation and will explain other mistakes to be aware of.
Don’t let past failures defeat you. Learn from them. Don’t give in to hopelessness. Use it to build motivation.
The first obstacle to overcoming sex addiction is not in your genes, your childhood or your environment. The first obstacle is the decision not to try. If you’re willing to make the effort, good counseling can guide you to success. The decision to make the effort and find the right guidance doesn’t apply only to sexual addiction. It applies to accomplishing anything.
Sexual Addiction and Self-deception
Self deception is the addict’s strongest defense against admitting he’s addicted.
Sexual addiction is more deceptive than most other addictions because sexual addiction provides the illusion of pleasure. The pleasure is escapist oriented. When the escape ends, the thrill of the addiction is over and the demands of real life return with a vengeance. Now the sex addict is confronted with the decision to face reality and gain the real pleasures of life or flee back into shallow fantasy. All too often the sex addict decides that sexual addiction is not escape and not an addiction. Some of the rationalizations he uses are:
- “I’m not addicted. I do it to relieve stress.”
- “It’s not an addiction. It’s a way of having fun.”
- “All my friends do it.”
- “You’re uptight about sex. I’m not.”
- “I have more sex drive than most people.”
- “It gives me pleasure. It can’t be an addiction if I like it.”
- “I know guys who are sex addicts. I’d never do what they do.”
- “I’m normal. You’re abnormal.”
- “Sexual addiction is a myth put out by small-minded bigots and hypocrites.”
Every one of these rationalizations can be overcome. Overcoming sexual addiction correctly is discussed in The Most Personal Addiction. The Sexual Addiction Interview is designed to help you understand sex addiction and address some of the sexually addicted person’s rationalizations. The beginning interviews in The Most Personal Addiction will also expand your knowledge of what sexual addiction is, how it can be overcome and how sex addicts fool themselves.
Someone close to me has a sexual addiction
If you know it but he doesn’t want to admit it, don’t give up. You can get through to him
You know that your husband or boyfriend has a sex addiction. But does he know? If he doesn’t want to accept that he’s sexually addicted, what can you do? Even if he’s accepted that he has a problem, is he willing to stop? How can you help him stop?
Let’s answer these questions one by one. If you realize that your partner is addicted to sex either through addictive masturbation, compulsive use of porn, a fetish, phone sex or infidelity, but he doesn’t want to accept it, here’s what to do:
Start by getting him to take the Sexual Addiction Interview and the first interview in The Most Personal Addiction. These interviews are designed to help the most defensive sex addict realize what sex addiction is and how it’s affecting him and you.
Here are a few more pointers about what the partner can do to help her husband or boyfriend get control over sexual addiction:
- Don’t take on his burden. The job of overcoming the addiction is his, not yours.
- Be realistic. Some sexual addictions can be overcome relatively quickly. Others take time.
- Give him credit for his successes.
- Don’t take the blame for his sex addiction. Many times the partner’s first reaction when discovering a sexual addiction is, “What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? Why does he want them instead of me?” You did not cause his sexually addictive behavior. He caused it.
- Download the first 48 chapters of The Most Personal Addiction. There’s a special section on how to save a relationship threatened by sexual addiction. You can also download The Advisories and The Home Page Topics
Pornography Addiction Insights for Men and Women
Porn enhances a masturbation addiction.
Pornography is not like any other sexual addiction. It is usually associated with a masturbation addiction; the association will be briefly explained in this article. Other sexual addictions, such as promiscuity, anonymous sex, phone sex, fetishes, and voyeurism, function independently from porn. Contrary to what you are told by the media, there are millions of sex addicts who have no interest in porn.
If the masturbation addiction is overcome CORRECTLY, the interest in porn fades away.
From a partner’s point of view, pornography might seem to be the addiction. If you want to know what the real addiction is, ask your partner if he masturbates when he use porn. There are very, very few sexually addicted people who use porn without masturbating. The sexual charge that seems to be in porn is not the porn. The sexual charge is generated through masturbation. Some men will spend a whole night looking for the “perfect” image to masturbate to. Other will masturbate continuously while looking at pornography. Here’s another question which will shed light on the real addiction. Ask you partner, “After you finish masturbating, do you continue looking at porn?” Expect the answer to be “No.”
If the real addiction were porn, he’d still be using it even after he finished masturbating. If you want to understand why a man gets addicted to porn learn about the connection between addictive masturbation and pornography. There are articles on this site about masturbation addiction. You need to read them if you’re partner seems to have a pornography addiction.
Pornography used in conjunction with addictive masturbation gives the sexually addicted person the illusion that fantasy can be more satisfying than a real relationship. In the most extreme cases, the sexually addicted person prefers sex through pornography addiction instead of loving sex with a real person. Even in these situations, the addiction can be overcome and the relationship can be saved, if the addiction is approached correctly.
A pornography addiction cannot be overcome in the long run without dealing with the underlying masturbation addiction.
If the sexually addicted person is not in a relationship, he faces a different challenge because pornography addiction becomes his sex life. The situation is far from hopeless, though, if the pornography addiction is approached correctly.
For an open-minded discussion about masturbation addiction, click here.
The Most Personal Addiction goes into much greater detail about how a porn addiction is overcome.
The Complexities of Sexual Addiction
Sex addiction is the most personal addiction. It’s also the most complex.
Successfully overcoming any problem begins with knowing what you’re dealing with. Certain addictions don’t need to be categorized. For instance, some alcoholics prefer wine, others prefer beer, others will drink anything. These activities don’t need to be categorized for the alcoholic because there is no addictive difference between beer, wine, hard liquor, or any other form of alcohol.
Sex addiction, unlike alcohol, is diverse. Conventional, licensed therapy and the 12-step program don’t distinguish between the different forms of sexual addiction. They use an “every addiction is the same” approach. Someone struggling with a shoe fetish will be given the same 12 steps as someone addicted to pornography. The husband cheating on his wife will be advised to use the same behavior modification techniques as the sexually addicted person who’s never had a long-term relationship.
Are you aware that there are virgin sex addicts? A virgin sex addict is an adult who never had sex with another person. His or her entire sexual experience has been only with themselves through masturbation and/or porn addiction. It’s ridiculous to give a virgin sex addict the same treatment as the person who’s been promiscuous all their lives.
An obsession with a fetish is not the same problem as a porn addiction. A promiscuous person does not have the same addiction as the virgin sex addict. The husband cheating on his wife is not in the same boat as the voyeur. From these simple examples, we can see that an “every addiction is the same” approach does not apply to sexual addiction.
To begin successfully overcoming sex addiction, apply this easily observable fact:
All sexually addictive behavior falls into two categories:
- Addictive sex alone
- Addictive sex with someone else
The most common forms of addictive sex alone are masturbation addiction and/or pornography addiction.
Promiscuity and infidelity fall into the category of addictive sex with someone else.
The other sexual addictions can be categorized as either addictive sex alone or with someone else.
Many sexually addicted people have sexual addictions in both categories. Besides identifying which category the addiction resides in, you also need to take into account if the addicted person is in a relationship. A couple trying to hold their relationship together while struggling with a sexual addiction requires a very different approach than the sexually addicted person who is not in a relationship.
Understanding if you are engaging in addictive sex alone, or with someone else, or both will help you control your sexual addiction because it will help you understand it better. But identifying a problem does not end it. So here are some resources to help you further:
- The general sexual addiction interview
- A sex addiction interview for the man in a relationship
- For the person who has never had a successful relationship
- How to tell if your partner is sexually addicted.
For more in-depth discussions of
- Pornography addiction
- How and why men get addicted to porn
- Masturbation addiction
- Promiscuity and infidelity
- Phone sex
- Other sexual addictions
Effects of Sexual Addiction on The Partner
When it comes to relationships, sexually addicted people can be classified into two major groups:
- Those who seek relationships to satisfy their addiction.
- Those who have a sexual addiction that conflicts with their genuine, loving relationship.
The person whose relationships are defined by sexual addiction uses people for an addictive fix. Characteristically, this type of sex addict doesn’t get into long-term relationships. S/he does not represent most sexually addicted people.
The majority of sexually addicted people seek a long-term committed relationship. They are serious about commitment. But their sexual addiction creates an impersonal barrier between the relationship they want to develop and the addictive fantasy life they’re obsessed with.
The partner usually doesn’t discover her man is sexualy addicted until after she’s committed herself to him.
The partner of a sexually addicted person experiences emotional and/or sexual neglect. Usually, the sexually addicted person doesn’t even realize that his sexual addiction is creating emotional barriers between him and his partner. In some cases, he doesn’t realize it until he loses the relationship.
When the partner discovers that her man is sexually addicted, she will usually suffer more than he will because she might feel that she has to compete against his sexual compulsion. She also might feel that her relationship is hopelessly lost to sexual addiction. Yet, in most cases she will stay until the bitter end trying to save her relationship.
Millions of sexually addicted people have lost good relationships and their loving families because they did not overcome their addiction. Relationships don’t have to end because of sex addiction. The addiction can be overcome and the couple can build the marriage they had expected to have.
If you are the partner of a sexually addicted person or you are not sure if your partner is sexually addicted, there is a special interview in The Most Personal Addiction for partners of sexually addicted people.
Sexual Addiction and Financial Issues
Sexual addiction is not free. Even the person with a porn addiction who gets his porn for free on the Internet pays for his addiction by investing his valuable time and precious effort into fantasy. Everything has a price. Sometimes the loss of money is the least painful price. The toll that sexual addiction takes on a relationship and the emotional isolation it causes cannot be healed by money.
Those sexually addicted people who spend money on their addiction usually don’t realize how much they’re spending. They don’t want to look at the financial costs because adding up how much they’ve spent can ruin the fantasy.
A sex addict can invest hours surfing the Internet and not even realize he’s lost an entire evening to sex addiction until the sun comes up to remind him that there is a life outside of fantasy. Every addicted person deludes him or herself about the real costs of their addiction.
Money can buy plenty. But you can’t buy your way into love and you can’t buy your way out of addiction.
The worst price paid for sexual addiction is loss of an intimate relationship. Another high price is finding yourself trapped in a world of emotional isolation. Losing your job, being sued, sinking into bankruptcy, or loss of savings are some of the other consequences of sexual addiction. They’re the lesser ones compared to the loss of genuine loving intimacy.
There is an old saying, “The best things in life are free.” Another way of expressing this sentiment is, “The smallest personal consequence is money.” The real riches in life are gained through intimacy and effectively dealing with reality. You can escape reality, avoid intimacy and still make lots of money. But money can’t buy you love.
Promiscuity, Infidelity, and Meaningless Sex
A promiscuous person has meaningless sexual encounters with numerous people.
By comparison, some people who engage in meaningless sex have only one partner.
The promiscuous person and the person who has meaningless sex with only one partner share a common trait. They are both attempting to avoid intimacy.
Genuine loving sex requires commitment and emotional vulnerability.
The difference between meaningless sex and loving sex is the difference between addiction and intimacy
Meaningless sex releases a person from emotional vulnerability. The person might be completely faithful to his or her partner, but they are not emotionally committed to the partner. The partner is a human sex toy. Some people take a warm bath for relaxation and enjoyment. Some people read a book, listen to music, take a walk, or spend time with friends. For the person with one meaningless sex partner, sex is just another form of taking a warm bath, or any other non-intimate activity.
The promiscuous person doesn’t even make the effort to create any kind of loyal relationship. To him or her, people are interchangeable bodies. As one promiscuous person told me, “I don’t want to be stuck with just one flavor of ice cream.” He wasn’t kidding. To him, people were just different flavors to be sampled and discarded.
Helping the promiscuous person overcome his or her sexual addiction is more difficult than helping the person who engages in meaningless sex but is not promiscuous. The path to overcoming sex addiction for both persons is traveled by opening oneself up to the need for intimacy.
Infidelity occurs when someone in a committed relationship is unfaithful to his or her partner. In the context of sexual addiction, the unfaithful person might be promiscuous or might be unfaithful with only one person. But the underlying emotions behind the unfaithful activity are the same: sex without intimacy or emotional involvement. (Note: if the infidelity involves an emotional affair based on a real connection, it might not be addictive behavior.)
What makes infidelity worse than promiscuity or meaningless sex with one person is the lying and dishonesty that accompanies the unfaithful acts. Ask any person who’s been victimized by infidelity and they will tell you, “The lying and betrayal hurt more than the unfaithful sex.”
The unfaithful person needs to go beyond just sex addiction. He or she needs to deal with honesty issues also.
The Most Personal Addiction discusses honesty issues and other factors necessary for overcoming sexual addiction. For a more in-depth discussion about these sex addictions, Download or print the first 48 chapters of The Most Personal Addiction.
Types of Sexual Addiction
Unlike alcoholism, there are many different forms of sexual addiction.
A fetish addiction is a more detached escape from reality because the focus of the addiction is on an object, not a person. The fetish enables the sexually addicted person to experience sexual pleasure without even the fantasy of human contact. In some instances the object is used to stimulate a fantasy of human contact. However, any sexual compulsion towards objects intensifies intimacy problems that can lead to divorce or a life of emotional isolation. If no other person is involved, it is in the category of addictive sex alone.
Voyeurism (the Peeping Tom syndrome) also removes the sex addict from emotional vulnerability. Through this form of sexual addiction, the voyeur seeks sexual pleasure without the risk of intimacy or even revealing himself. And he doesn’t respect the privacy of the people he spies on. Since the voyeur relies on using another person for sexual stimulation, his addiction falls into the category of addictive sex with another person.
Phone sex is another form of addictive sex with someone else. Although there is no physical contact between the participants and they don’t even see each other, the sexually addicted person is using the other person for sexual stimulation he could not experience alone.
Sadomasochism goes beyond avoiding intimacy. It is based on gaining sexual pleasure through destructive and humiliating sex acts. It is certainly a form of sexually addictive behavior with someone else.
Necrophilia is the morbid fantasy of fantasies. With help, the necrophiliac can face reality and gain control over their addictive sex life. Unfortunately, most necrophiliacs won’t even acknowledge that they’re morbidly addicted.
Nymphomania is a form of promiscuity. It enables the sex addict to escape the demands of a real relationship and gain a short-term sexual pleasure that leads to a life of continual loneliness. The need for loving intimacy and genuine emotional involvement cannot be replaced through promiscuity.
It’s a natural part of life to have sexual feelings. As people pass from childhood, through adolescence, to adulthood, their sexual feelings develop and change.
Adolescence Is a Time of Change
During the teen years, sexual feelings are awakened in new ways because of the hormonal and physical changes of puberty. These changes involve both the body and the mind, and teens may wonder about new — and often intense — sexual feelings.
It takes time for many people to understand who they are and who they’re becoming. Part of that understanding includes a person’s sexual feelings and attractions.
The term sexual orientation refers to the gender (that is, male or female) to which a person is attracted. There are several types of sexual orientation that are commonly described:
- Heterosexual. People who are heterosexual are romantically and physically attracted to members of the opposite sex: Heterosexual males are attracted to females, and heterosexual females are attracted to males. Heterosexuals are sometimes called “straight.”
- Homosexual. People who are homosexual are romantically and physically attracted to people of the same sex: Females who are attracted to other females are lesbian; males who are attracted to other males are often known as gay. (The term gay is sometimes also used to describe homosexual individuals of either gender.)
- Bisexual. People who are bisexual are romantically and physically attracted to members of both sexes.
- Asexual. People who don’t feel any sexual attraction and are not interested in sex at all, although they still feel emotionally close to other people.
Teens — both guys and girls — often find themselves having sexual thoughts and attractions. For some, these feelings and thoughts can be intense — and even confusing or disturbing. That may be especially true for people who are having romantic or sexual thoughts about someone who is the same sex they are. “What does that mean,” they might think. “Am I gay?”
Thinking sexually about both the same sex and the opposite sex is quite common as people sort through their emerging sexual feelings. This type of imagining about people of the same or opposite sex doesn’t necessarily mean that a person fits into a particular type of sexual orientation.
Some teens may also experiment with sexual experiences, including those with members of the same sex, during the years they are exploring their own sexuality. These experiences, by themselves, do not necessarily mean that a person is gay or straight.
Posted on June 4, 2012, in Categorized and tagged Human sexual activity, Libido, Pornography, Sexology, Sexual addiction, Sexual partner, Sexuality, Substance dependence. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.