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More Jokes

Get Ready to Groan

With this Wizard selection …

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Version date: Feb 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

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Bestsellers for Valentines Jokes from Amazon.com

Hearty Har Har: Valentine Riddles You’ll Love (Lift-The-Flap)

by Katy Hall Lisa Eisenberg R. W. Alley

Our Price: $5.95

Sales Rank: 399,406 – Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)

Released: January, 1997 – ISBN: 0694006912

Valentine’s Day Jokes & Riddles (Holiday Ha-Ha’s)

by Craig Yoe

Our Price: $4.99

Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)

Released: December, 2003 – ISBN: 0843104821

Olive You! : And Other Valentine Knock-Knock Jokes You’ll A-Door

by Katy Hall Stephen Carpenter

Our Price: $6.95

Sales Rank: 329,681 – Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)

Released: February, 2000 – ISBN: 0694013552

101 Valentine Jokes

by Pa Brigandi Don Orehek Pat Brigandi

Our Price: $1.95

Sales Rank: 355,591 – Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)

Released: January, 1994 – ISBN: 0590471414

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GOLF

Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain.

“What happened?” asked the club pro.

“I got stung by a bee,” she replied.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second holes.”

“Hmmm.” the pro murmured.

“Sounds like your stance was a little too wide.”

THE DRUNK

A rather drunk man walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

“I’m sorry sir,” replies the landlord, “I’m afraid you have had enough.”

“Fine,” says the drunk and walks out of the pub.

A few minutes later he comes back into the pub through a different door, walks up to the bar

and orders a pint.

“I’m sorry sir,” replies the landlord, “As I have already said, you have had enough.”

“Fine,” says the drunk and walks out of the pub. Again a few minutes later he comes back into the

pub through another door, walks up to the bar and orders a pint.

“Now look,” says the landlord, “I’ve told you: you’re drunk: go home!! You’re not getting served.”

“Okay, fair enough,” replies the drunk and walks out. A few minutes later he comes back into the

pub through yet another door. He walks up to the bar and stops.

“I know you wont serve me but can you answer me one question?” he asks.

“Sure”

“Do you own all the pubs in this village?”

FLASHLIGHT

A man and a woman started having sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this,

the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight”.

The women says, “So do I, you’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”

THE GRADUATE

A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,

“Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

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THE INTERVIEW

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh

out of university,

“And what starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits

package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, full medical

and dental cover, company pension with retirement on 80% of salary, and a company car changed

every 2 years”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it!”

FASCINATING …

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Kath said. “My family went to the zoo, and saw all the animals. It was fascinating”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”

Sue raised her hand and said. “I went to the zoo with Kath, and saw all the animals. I was

fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Jack raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because he was noted for his bad language.

She decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Jack said, “My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only

fasten eight.”

FAQ FOR ETCH-A-SKETCH TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don’t shake it.

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TWO-HUNDRED BUCKS

A guy named John goes over to his friend’s house rings the bell, and the wife answers.

“Hi is Tony home?”

“No he went to the store.”

“Well, you mind if I wait?”

“No come in.”

They sit down and John says, “You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I’ve ever

seen. I’d give you hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Betsy thinks about this for a second

and says to her self, what the hell – A hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free!

So she opens her robe and shows one. John promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the

table. They sit there a while longer and John says, “They are so beautiful, I’ve got to see both

of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together.”

Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives John a nice long

look. John thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any

longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird friend John came over.”

Tony promptly asks, “Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

DRUGS

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One

of the men stands up and says “Look, we’ve got loads more tobacco, I’ll just nip into the kitchen

and make one of my speciality spliffs”. Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin,

Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a

spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag.

Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to

take him to hospital.

On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and

asks “So what have you been doing then, smoking cannabis?”

“Well sort of”, replies one of the guys, “But we ran out, so I made a home-made spliff.”

“Ah” replies the doctor, “And what did you put in it?”

“Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.”

The doctor sighs, “Well that explains it.”

“Why, what’s wrong with our friend?” asks one of the men.

“He’s in a korma”, replies the doctor.

LOST?

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The cop said, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”

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THE JOB APPLICATION

A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question,

“Have you ever been arrested?”

“No.”, he replied.

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous

question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

THE FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a flyswatter.

“What are you doing?” She asks.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh!, Killing any?” She asks.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replies

Intrigued, she asks. “How can you tell?”

“3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”.

QUESTION AND ANSWER …

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you get holy water?

A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

A: “Dam!”

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?

A: Cell phones.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A: A pool table.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?

A: A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.

Q: Did you hear about the man, who bought a bottle of HP sauce,

A: It cost him, 5 pence per week for 10 weeks.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

A: He’s all right now.

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?

A: She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”

Q: What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?

A: Iceberg.

Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A: They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?

A: Your honour.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

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Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One’s a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other’s just a fish.

Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?

A: When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman.

Business is Business

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – and how much money do you make a week?

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,

“I make $200.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams,

“Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks,

“Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,

“That was the Pizza delivery guy.”

End

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Posted on March 2, 2012, in Categorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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